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Mar 29·edited Mar 30Author

Ok first of all, I want to thank you for writing and being open and courageous. You are asking a great question.

The first thing I wonder is what happens when we look closely at the aversion at being a virgin / desire for sex and deconstruct it a bit. Fair warning, this probably won't feel good. What is that feeling exactly? Is it a desire for sensory pleasure? I doubt it's just that but my experience is that there are pleasures as good or frankly better than sex available to an individual. I think it's more than that though. Is it a desire for intimacy and connection? That too seems like there are other avenues of fulfillment but maybe it's not the same as romance. Is it about a feeling of shame or stigma? Is there anger as well, a feeling of it being unfair or having been wronged? Is there sadness or grief at the way things are? Really feel into that feeling, if you are able to. Feeling those feelings is essential. Depending upon which feelings are present, there are different ways you might work with it, both on the practical and somatic/energetic level.

On the somatic level, you might find as you work with these feelings and experience them as intimately as possible, that you can endure them. They aren't actually harming you in any fundamental way. They can't actually harm you. In fact they can be the doorways to wisdom and self betterment ultimately.

The view from emptiness/wisdom is to see these emotional manifestations as not entirely real. They are stories we tell and labels we give to an ever changing swirling set of experiences. Now in practice this is tricky as fuck, I admit- but broadly the Buddhist move is to be able to first let go of your desire. That doesn't mean trying to squash it - you are letting it be as it is. But you aren't grasping at it and embellishing it or fixating on it either. Letting go is a kind of equanimity. It's always most difficult to let go of unfulfilled as opposed to fulfilled desires because of the mind's tendency to build up the unknown. And there's a paradox here too - it's when you are able to accept things for how they are that the possibility for change emerges. And annoyingly it has to be real acceptance. Not acceptance with a knife behind your back, secretly hoping for change. In the long long run you may even come to see your challenges as the doorways to liberation but right now that may look cruel , naive or stupid, understandably so.

On a relative level then you have to deal with all the difficult feelings though. Most obviously first by grieving your loss, finding the tenderness and love at the bottom of it and then creating a foundation for loving others via self love. Buddhist compassion practices, like tonglen or metta are good for this. Then with that foundation you can work on more relative aspects of things that will conventionally make one more attractive. Theres a grain of truth in the advice to become desirable. That might involve learning to listen deeply and knowing what true friendship is. Participating and contributing meaningfully to a community. Cultivating deep interests and hobbies. Whatever you are capable of and contributes to your own inner dignity and self respect. Never coming from that instrumental place to the extent that is possible. I'm trying not to overindex on this Jordan Peterson pull your pants up stuff. I think this kind of stuff is secondary. It's like with Buddhist ethics - these qualities naturally emerge more and more as you work with it on the ultimate level.

And on the other side of it, regardless of whether you remain a virgin or not - the energy of that desire can be liberated, not destroyed, and channelled in a positive way as a force for real intimacy and connection between you and other people.

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Pretty timely, as I have several big ambitions, that have nothing to do with those in the chart. Most relevant is (let's just put it out there) figuring out how to stop being a 35 year old virgin. This stuff about liberating the energy of past traumas seems very relevant here, as I do feel a lot of energy and pain from my shadow regarding regarding the barriers that have made everything interpersonal be so difficult for me.

Now, I'm not asking for help regarding my particular predicament (though if you have advice it would be appreciated), but I'm wondering about where the rubber meets the road regarding what you said here and in the article on ethics regarding the broader problem of people in my boat, the incels.

How does Buddhist ethics help someone like that? My impression of them is that there is a lot to work through in their shadow. They kind of remind me of the homeless drug addicts I work with, people who were just relentlessly pummeled by life.

It's just that I feel discussions like these are often too abstract, and I feel would benefit from being grounded in something more concrete. Did you ever write about this process of working through the energy of personal trauma?

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