Everyone is on their own path
Welcome new readers!
The more you practice, the more you want the fruits of those practices for everyone around you. There is a feeling of heartbreak you feel when those closest to you are suffering. I’m talking about some of your closest relationships - family, friends. You didn’t wake up in a vacuum all of a sudden - we are intimate beings and unless you are very young, or very fortunate by birth, you are very likely embedded in a web of relationships with some pretty complex people. Naturally you want to help them, but how?
Unskillful Helping
One thing that happens very early on is a desire to get people onto your path. After all, it’s working for you! There’s this strong proselytizing1 impulse that comes up, especially after some large peak experience. It’s a little bit cringe - how many people have I tried to zealously share with - old friends, loved ones whom I tried to convince. Friendships damaged by it too - some longtime people ghosted me following some missionary email or outburst. People don’t know what to make of a dyed in the wool materialist going woo. And frankly, I don’t entirely blame them. It’s unskillful, not to mention kind of annoying. Even worse, your loved ones often perceive an undercurrent of superiority that can be super off-putting.
As all this unfolds, the initial cringe starts to give way - in its place is the heartbreak of others’ pain, and feelings of frustration and impotence. I can’t help anyone! Ugh! After that, a new perspective dawns. First, one sees that helping others is not about giving them what you think they need, or trying to change someone for the better. It’s about showing up skillfully, responsively and giving them what they actually need, irrespective of your own preconceptions. Being inspired by your presence is a surer way to turn someone onto the path than explaining some esoteric practice to them. Second, the realization comes that everyone is on their own path - and what worked for you may not be right for them. To give a concrete example - people who have suffered a lot of trauma, who are split off from their conventional ego and engage in self-abandonment, need a very different set of practices2 than someone who is more securely attached and needs a big dose of emptiness. That doesn’t mean the latter person is “more advanced” than the former — they just have different karma to deal with. But it can be tricky to even talk to people about this without making it seem as though you, as someone who has had some kind of spiritual awakening, are better than them.
This question of superiority poses a complex challenge for practitioners - but I think there’s a solution. To illustrate the challenge, I want to highlight a recent exchange between David Chapman3 and Scott Alexander, two people whom I respect very much. I think part of what’s going on here is that if you talk about stages of development (a la Kegan) and then you basically say “post-rationalism is at a higher level than rationalism”, then it’s natural that people at “lower levels of development” are going to feel slightly annoyed by you. Similarly, if you go around talking about Theravada in terms of their inferiority to Dzogchen or Mahayana, then people might not believe you when you also say “I’m not superior to anyone — we are all Buddhas”. Yeah, right, buddy. You SAY that, but what your other words and actions exhibit is something entirely different.
From Sanctimony to Sanctification
So how do we get out of this mess? One obvious answer is “everyone is on their own path” — a path might be superior for ME, but that doesn’t mean it’s superior for anyone else given their own situation. But I think there’s an even more powerful reply. One model of Buddhahood is the trikaya4 — the dharmakaya, sambhogakaya, and the nirmanakaya5. Most people have encountered the first two. Dharmakaya is the term for the Ground of Being, where everything emerges from and dissolves into. Sambhogakaya is the bliss body / energy body. The nirmanakaya, though, is supposed to be the earthy emanation - the form which the Buddha takes into the world in order to help beings.
The nirmanakaya is also the bundle of neuroses and flaws and karma that we each take on as our human inheritance. I’ve written in the past about the dangers of having expectations of perfection from our teachers, of having expectations of perfection for ourselves. I’ll get Enlightened and then I’ll be perfect! No defilements! No suffering!6 It’s not just that crazy expectations get in the way of progress. It’s also flawed thinking - not recognizing that these “imperfections” are themselves perfect.
What I mean by this is the following — my flaws, neuroses, karma, the challenges I continue to have sometimes in relationships — those are the very vehicle for helping others! If everything was perfect in my life, then I would lose the tether to humanity, the wisdom and insight that allows me to speak from experience in a beneficial way. I’d certainly have little to write about in this Substack. My flaws ARE my nirmanakaya. That’s what teachers mean when they say “mistakes arise as wisdom.” My fuckups are your learnings! The way Buddhahood shows up in the world is not for its own sake, it’s for everyone.
Not only that - the continued existence of flaws keeps me humble, keeps me from definitively stating that I’m on a higher level of development or on a better path than anyone else. And so I’ve come to cherish these flaws, and cherish people calling me out on my shit. The existence of deep differences, as Amod Lele put it in this thought-provoking book review, is the continued grist in the mill for the dawning of further wisdom and skillful means. And so that’s the answer — we’re not superior to anyone else — instead, we are perfectly imperfect conduits for helping others on their own paths, whatever that path might be.
Frankly, I think this is masculine energy — not to say that women don’t exhibit it too, but it feels very mansplain-y to me :-)
Heart-based, form-centered. You need to have an ego first before you take it as empty.
I’m sorry David, I’m not trying to make more drama, I promise!
Since we all have Buddha-nature, this applies to all us!
There is an analogy to the Holy Trinity of Christianity here that some people think is not accidental. Dharmakaya = God. Nirmanakaya = Jesus, Sambhogakaya = The Holy Ghost.
I’m not trying to pick on those Arhat-aspirers, honest!